It was a new phase, and I think it has passed. Even so, it was a difficult one to pass compared to all the others. Trivial it might seem, but I did not feel so; not even a little. The constant clenched stomach and ragged breath is not too pleasant when u have no idea how to relax. To forget how to be at ease and to be at peace.
The most amusing, were the varied dreams. Each night a new one and sometimes at day too. Though the dreams were a clear reflection of the over thinking I was doing, I couldn't do much about it. Maybe sometimes its not possible to look at yourself from an outsider's point. If I had been able to, it would have been easier.
The first one was when I was still trying to find a job, that I was working at some relatives' place and I found that job with the help of someone. I broke out in sweat although it was not such an unpleasant dream. Couldn't sleep again and in a rush found a job and rushed into it without thinking much. As I saw it, just to avoid the worst possible I guess.
And too many times I saw the people I loved very angry and upset over things; things I don't even remember. Maybe it was because I actually saw them that way. But still, I couldn't get into the other parts of their day when they smiled or were just normal. It was always just angry people.
The most frequent of all, playing football and falling when I'm about to kick the ball. Not fall, but i miss the ball and it feels like I just skipped a step. Its not a bad dream its just unsettling, which was kind of how I felt all day for no reason at all.
And then there is the one I don't want to share; where I was holding hands with someone. Someone who dint have a face. I couldn't think above this one.
The funniest of all, was the one with the database. I was attending too many functions by then a little too frequent for my comfort. There were these wonderful questions from people I knew, people I dint know too well and also from those I had no clue who they were., Do you know how to cook? Don't you think you should put on some weight? Never mind working; take a break for some years. You will forget all of us when you get married, won't you? How come you did not visit us? . So anyway, sourcing from the many many functions happening in families closely knit, a database of questions was formed. In real time, depending on the present conversation, a probable good response will be generated from the existing database. Whichever is your reply,it will be graded with an emoticon. All through the dream, I had many conversations and with the same grade for each one. A ":/". This dream kind of summed up my trials and my efforts to get along. But also this was the first one I laughed at. I thought it was very funny and interesting too; may be even plausible.
All through this so called phase I had tried doing many things which were not of much use. Trying to keep myself occupied failing miserably; trying to get in touch with all the friends who were too busy or who only answered with a 'whatsup' or 'I'm fine' although it has been years since we have spoken; which was followed by trying to keep away from people and invest time only on me and failing again. Trying to make a conversation about me without breaking down or getting angry. Maybe I dint try the last one that sincerely, maybe because it made me react that way.
But whatever it was, all of it made me go back. It made me feel that I'm not growing up and instead I'm falling back. It made me feel silly because I forgot how to take things lightly. Forgot how to talk to people. Forgot how to let someone in without taking offense. Forgot how to let go of the defensive stance I took. I forgot to be bold and forgot to be confident. Too much self doubt crept in after being asked too many times if I was capable; by myself and by others.
I am not over all of it yet, but i had a dream the other day. Three days back; I saw all the people I loved, I liked, and the people I admired. They were not preoccupied anymore. They were all there and they were all happy. Happy as on the day I started to like them, and as on the day I felt perfectly at ease being with them. I think I smiled in that dream because it became easier. Because it was just so natural to be happy with them and being scared, being calculated din't seem quite right. I feel a little free now. Still a bit tensed and a bit worried but maybe that's not too bad after all :)
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