I have loved you too much and I didn't know it then, I assure you it didn't feel dangerous or risky or testy. It just felt incredibly good to have liked you and trusted you and so loved you. Even for the smallest moment, I didn't really think about reciprocation or the expectations or if love should be conditional or unconditional. Nothing specific but everything evident. It was pure and simple. There was so much to love and that was it.
I miss you now. The one and the many. It's not the yearning which bothers me. I am slowly making my peace with it. What troubles me is the thought of what I would do if you just came back to have a place in my life. If you came back with that smile and that look. I don't think I would even care to ask why. Just that thought; of having you back, in spite of everything arms wide open- that bothers me. But I wonder now, would I do it any other way? would I mind if it was clear that it would hurt? Would I mind the conditions of love? Would I even bother to think?
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Pain?
There is a strange kind of comfort in pain that I will admit.
It tells me, I feel. It tells me, I care. I know that I handled some and it gives me strength to go through more. It gives me much more strength and resolve than the plain routine could ever give. I feel more in control and more willing to change. The ferocity and passion that pain brings, I don't think anything could ever get close.
For I understand this pain and the self-affirmation it brings, its constant company I know will destroy me.
It scares me, knowingly and unknowingly too. Facing the hurt and avoiding hurt are independent for me. I try and run from it and be ever so cautious should it come back in new forms. I try and spare myself, not being too successful. This brings back with freshness the thoughts of 'why can't I just let go'.
It takes a little bit of me every single time while all I crave for is my innocence to be back. To still believe despite .., to still hope although.., and to still imagine. Does it make sense to you when I say that I am scared of the day I will stop believing and hoping and imagining the possibilities?
As much as I find myself in the aches and pains, I don't want to lose myself in it. Not to a point where my innocence is stolen and not to the point where naked burning pain alone is left to explain everything that has been.
It tells me, I feel. It tells me, I care. I know that I handled some and it gives me strength to go through more. It gives me much more strength and resolve than the plain routine could ever give. I feel more in control and more willing to change. The ferocity and passion that pain brings, I don't think anything could ever get close.
For I understand this pain and the self-affirmation it brings, its constant company I know will destroy me.
It scares me, knowingly and unknowingly too. Facing the hurt and avoiding hurt are independent for me. I try and run from it and be ever so cautious should it come back in new forms. I try and spare myself, not being too successful. This brings back with freshness the thoughts of 'why can't I just let go'.
It takes a little bit of me every single time while all I crave for is my innocence to be back. To still believe despite .., to still hope although.., and to still imagine. Does it make sense to you when I say that I am scared of the day I will stop believing and hoping and imagining the possibilities?
As much as I find myself in the aches and pains, I don't want to lose myself in it. Not to a point where my innocence is stolen and not to the point where naked burning pain alone is left to explain everything that has been.
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