Binary

My days have become binary.
Either I have the energy to fill the day or
look down the gaping hole and drag everything down.

It has become an overstretch. The all is well campaign is exhausting.
Just day by day, weekend to weekend without significance.
Each day that I'm down, I let it be. Let it pass. Now I have a collection of days spent and gone but nothing to recall for. Just the general mood  of the days, sounds I heard, nothing significant. This sense of loss is drilling into me.

There is no more fight. Fight against what though? At both ends its me. One day the eluding comfort of being satisfied, happy and just at ease. The next the painful gloom of nothingness in a day. I could fill it. I know I could make it better. But the constant pursuit is tiring. Don't know where the energy went. Don't know where the inner fight is. Slowly I'm getting used to the pointlessness. But I will make it better and I will love the day. I will get out of this and find a heart to cheer.

New year

No resolutions this year. Weirdly no excitement. Just a day passed and numbers changed. For all the scepticism on the significance, a little more excitement could have helped :)

The realisation of dull resignation comes from weirdly symbolic things. As sunny as it is, it still seems cloudy. A second of sunshine and lifetime of storm. Depressing dramatisation to bring out all the lumped up emotions of spite, anger and hurt. The tired mind from thinking too much. Useless thinking of course but thinking nevertheless.

It seems simple though. The direction is unclear but the lost road is recognised. There were things for me that stood above all. Basics to be live by, which seem too far gone.

• Not a bad thing to say no matter the circumstances.
• To be my own. 
• To put myself in the others spot every time.

One I have forgotten how to, another clinging on weekly and the third slowly losing the remains.

People say actions make principles but sometimes if you slip up on the things you believe in, there is no other thing that could make you feel worse. The more I have refused to work on them, thinking they were more fundamental to me than anything else, the more they faded. To see that I'm ready to distribute my resentment on multiple angles is in itself discouraging. Its proof that I have become vile enough to distribute blame for everything that's wrong. Empathy has disappeared, so has the warmth and to be in my own company seems the trickiest of all.

We will see, we will find the direction. Till then, another day in another year.