Friction and fire

The thing with inertia is that you can put up with it only for a while.
You loosen up and then get used to the new.

The dangerous thing though, is losing the friction.
Losing the will and losing the fight.

To let it go and live in peace is a good thing
but only with the absolute knowledge of what you are letting go.

Never let go the fire.
Keep it up, keep it burning.

This time, with all my heart.

If you have a dream and you want to work at it,
look into its eye, give your heart to it
and know it when you say,
you are going to do the best thing that has ever been done.
No second thoughts  and no misgivings

Give it your full.
Remember it as your passion.
Remember those moments which triggered you into this.
Remember it all.
I am sure it will all be worth it :)

End of idealism?

 It has always been a sensitive topic, but the abstractness of it has been increasing by the day. I used to think a while ago that if everyone does their job as per the description then scope of inefficiency or corruption would be nil. By job I don't mean work per say but even as a student if you are an ideal student, then you would not be contributing to the ruin of education system.

 A while ago, I wrote a post about corruption. (http://jyothsna-viewofworld.blogspot.in/2013/04/corruption-other-side-hence-it-happened.html)  In fact the post was never about corruption. It was about cheating in examinations in college, in PG to be specific. I still don't understand if I was being a self righteous prick or was actually being reasonable. But more than the pervasive copying it was the responses that were so weird. These people were friends of mine with hearts and mind in more or less the right place. But everyone had some sort of explanation. I trust that none of them would speak about corruption in government in the same was as they spoke about copying in class. They wouldn't let anyone off that easily; but maybe they would let themselves off easy. It is not a big deal the education system with its grades is screwed up any way, but wait aren't you contributing to the screw up?

I am not an ideal student. I'm not proud of it, but it is true. I skip lectures and I'm not punctual to the ones I attend. I spare myself the tough preparation and only aim at mediocrity. Hell, sometimes I don't even feel sorry about it. In my first term we had Micro Economics taught by this prof who took pleasure in reminding us that we sucked at it. At the end of the term and through the quizzes in between we found that he repeats previous years' papers. We had access to the papers as well and so most of the batch started referring to them. Although I was a bit scared and sceptical, I was still managing with the text and slides. Come results day, the grade was not so good. Not only because I was exceptionally good at it, but partly due to my impeccable attendance record and maybe because I did not refer to the previous papers. I couldn't do it; I thought it was just plain wrong, to know the questions before an exam.

 In another term we had Macro Economics, for which I diligently opened the previous papers and went through them.  I did the same for Agri and a couple of other courses. By this time, I reasoned myself that everyone in the batch had equal access to the papers and so we were prepared on an equal ground.

Maybe a day shall come, when I will be in a bad position financially and a lucrative deal with unethical edges would be available.What would you expect of me; If I could rationalize my ethics for simple matter of grades in a course? Even if I managed  to resist this, what if a family member was sick? What if-?

 All of this came up again while reading this article. (http://www.thehindu.com/opinion/columns/Harsh_Mander/barefoot-harsh-mander-writes-about-corruption-public-service-and-why-honesty-is-no-longer-considered-a-virtue-in-the-real-world/article6344973.ece)
By all means we oppose corruption, in its most frequent form bribery. But what about the use of resources for personal use, what about working without exchanging favours? Do you let it off easily?

Slowly, Nepotism has become so conspicuous that it is now mainstream. Spare the 100Cr deals of Raja, Y.S.Jagan those are most certainly unacceptable; but not the personal favours I pull for my friends and relatives during interviews.

Once again,

"If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.” – Carl Sagan 

Who is the bamboozled and who is the charlatan? Isn’t it both you blaming the other one?

The messy known.

It was a mess around. Shredded glass, broken lights, dark and damp.
I strutted around, hands in my pockets.
Thinking, no way you can touch me.
I wont blink, I won't stop.

Surprised I was by the reasonless warmth.As by the yellow which robbed off the black.
Out of pockets the hands then came, meddling curiously all around.
I lost my gait, I lost my stride
I also lost the known darkness.

The unknown beauty is beautiful enough.
yet it shall for sometime be the unknown.

.

Did i tell you i love you, did i tell u enough?
Did i tell you you made me laugh and that you made me forget to be scared?
I wish I did;
I wish I said a million things more
It is not the same now.

Mutual love

What does this mutual love do?
Does it assert you or does it comfort you?
Does it say obsession over another is just so fascinating?
Does it allow you to let go of everything else you have held on to?
Does it blindfold you to the other possibilities of love?
Does it make you overtly conscious of the "others"?
Are you still the same?
Does it take you a step forward or two back?
Does it last?

Pendulum

The pendulum is tiring me. Each end makes me dread the looming other end. The worst of all is the frequency. It is going against the laws. The increasing frequency and the random triggers are confusing. Resonance would definitely be a better place for this pendulum.

123.

1. Bike trip to Leh-Ladakh

2. These awesome sneaker ankle boots
  PUMA Sport Fashion Amq London Biker Mid (Dark Wine-Dark Wine)

3. Nintendo Wii Sports

4. Wireless home theater

5. Kutch. Alone

6. 

Phases and dreams!

It was a new phase, and I think it has passed. Even so, it was a difficult one to pass compared to all the others. Trivial it might seem, but I did not feel so; not even a little. The constant clenched stomach and ragged breath is not too pleasant when u have no idea how to relax. To forget how to be at ease and to be at peace.

The most amusing, were the varied dreams. Each night a new one and sometimes at day too. Though the dreams were a clear reflection of the over thinking I was doing, I couldn't do much about it. Maybe sometimes its not possible to look at yourself from an outsider's point. If I had been able to, it would have been easier.

The first one was when I was still trying to find a job, that I was working at some relatives' place and I found that job with the help of someone. I broke out in sweat although it was not such an unpleasant dream. Couldn't sleep again and in a rush found a job and rushed into it without thinking much. As I saw it, just to avoid the worst possible I guess.

And too many times I saw the people I loved very angry and upset over things; things I don't even remember. Maybe it was because I actually saw them that way. But still, I couldn't get into the other parts of their  day when they smiled or were just normal. It was always just angry people.

The most frequent of all, playing football and falling when I'm about to kick the ball. Not fall, but i miss the ball and it feels like I just skipped a step. Its not a bad dream its just unsettling, which was kind of how I felt all day for no reason at all.

And then there is the one I don't want to share; where I was holding hands with someone. Someone who dint have a face. I couldn't think above this one.

The funniest of all, was the one with the database. I was attending too many functions by then a little too frequent for my comfort. There were these wonderful questions from people I knew, people I dint know too well and also from those I had no clue who they were., Do you know how to cook? Don't you think you should put on some weight? Never mind working; take a break for some years. You will forget all of us when you get married, won't you? How come you did not visit us? . So anyway, sourcing from the many many functions happening in families closely knit, a database of questions was formed. In real time, depending on the present conversation, a probable good response will be generated from the existing database. Whichever is your reply,it will be graded with an emoticon. All through the dream, I had many conversations and with the same grade for each one. A ":/". This dream kind of summed up my trials and my efforts to get along. But also this was the first one I laughed at. I thought it was very funny and interesting too; may be even plausible.

All through this so called phase I had tried doing many things which were not of much use. Trying to keep myself occupied failing miserably; trying to get in touch with all the friends who were too busy or who only answered with a 'whatsup' or 'I'm fine' although it has been years since we have spoken; which was followed by trying to keep away from people and invest time only on me and failing again. Trying to make a conversation about me without breaking down or getting angry. Maybe I dint try the last one that sincerely, maybe because it made me react that way.

 But whatever it was, all of it made me go back. It made me feel that I'm not growing up and instead I'm falling back. It made me feel silly because I forgot how to take things lightly. Forgot how to talk to people. Forgot how to let someone in without taking offense. Forgot how to let go of the defensive stance I took. I forgot to be bold and forgot to be confident. Too much self doubt crept in after being asked too many times if I was capable; by myself and by others.

I am not over all of it yet, but i had a dream the other day. Three days back; I saw all the people I loved, I liked, and the people I admired. They were not preoccupied anymore. They were all there and they were all happy. Happy as on the day I started to like them, and as on the day I felt perfectly at ease being with them. I think I smiled in that dream because it became easier. Because it was just so natural to be happy with them and being scared, being calculated din't seem quite right. I feel a little free now. Still a bit tensed and a bit worried but maybe that's not too bad after all  :)

!

I peeled off the first layer,
the laugh faded away and the smiled remained.
The second i peeled,
the smile faded and the bleak shape remained.

With the layers fading and with the lids closed,
the packing all dormant, there is a storm coming.
After the shutdown shutdown shutdown,
the next thing i see is an unrestrained break down.

For the hope that looks for the high after the low,
I don't think you can take just another blow.
But then there is the truth,
drop that weakness there is always enough strength.

My bubble

There is this place i know of
it is big and wide
colorful and beautiful,
it almost floats.

I stayed there for a long while.
I loved myself
and not many else

oh but then they came.
They prodded and poked
and it crumbled and popped,
the beauty all gone.

I lost it now
my beautiful bubble
but i got other things. True.

Still I love the beautiful thing
for peace or escape
to be happy or sad,
it is the best place to go to.
:D

Indigo

I don't know if I could admire the burnt blue hands for the skill they have acquired
or if I could turn away seeing the cruelty of the art.

Beauty indeed, skill indeed but we never saw the pain behind did we?
 
"As she goes her way
that one
in the indigo saree
wringing it,
wringing it free
of the last drops
of pond-water,
she wrings out
my life-breath
too."

Nothingness

and for that little time, all i need is an escape even if it is an abyss.
To run and hide or sit and stare.

I'm nobody! Who are you? - Emily Dickinson

"I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us -don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

I wish I could say that it is indeed dreary
I wish I could say I have no intent to become a somebody
but how so very scared I am, of being a nobody!

If I were a nobody, no I wouldn't tell.
Not to the banishing crowd, not to the admiring bog.
Not to you. Not to me.

Lost

Some purposes
and some efforts
like some loves,
are just lost causes

I shut everything out.
The good and the bad.
Until there was nothing.

Godavari

There is a certain beauty in those mud roads.
In the circular huts and those thatched roofs.
In the dusty roads dampened with sprinkled water
and in the rangoli made by those skillful fingers.

There is a certain beauty to the speckles of white powder settled perfectly on the rangoli.
To the thatched roofs not a leaf out of place on those walls of mud.

It is so serene like the fresh air by the mountain side and the touch of clear water on a sunny day. Such beauty it is, as if manifested in the purest form.

The colours are gone!
The bright dancing colours stay no more on the lens.
 I prefer the sky I see, The water and the sea.
 The smoke, the reflections.The black and the white.
There is nothing bright to add in a life.

The Third 'friend'

It was like they fell in love all over again, and I was left standing there
like a third leg
like a tag along
Just like how I was before,
but with more life than before and more pain yet to come.

--The Third 'friend'